Female Friendship Frustrations
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 09:31AM I have a friend who attends my church who is blessed to have three very close female friends. When she talks about them and how close they are, I am always perplexed. Often, my first reaction when it comes to female friends is to shudder and say, "No, thanks."
I didn't have any sisters growing up, and most of my companionship was from boys; my brothers, my cousins, and neighbourhood kids. Growing up, I found -- and still do -- that boys are easier to be friend with. There are a whole host of reasons for that. I also found after having been seriously bullied when I was 14 years old, that sometimes it's better to be friendless than solicit the friendship of girls with a pack mentality. When I became a Christian, I thought that would solve my female friend woes; it didn't. I think it may have made them worse.
So, here I sit at the age of 46, re-visiting this issue again. Over the past fifteen years I have had a couple of really toxic friendships, and I struggle to understand this when my other friend finds female friendships so wonderful. Is it me? Is it them? What is the problem? This is something I hope to think about a lot over the next little while. What I have noticed, though, as I have solicitied the opinions of some women whose opinons I value the most, is that I am not the only one with female friend issues. A lot of time what I hear is a sense of insecurity. We feel like we're not connecting with other women and we wonder why. We can be the most together, articulate, and astute women, but inside we are often still that little girl who just wants a friend to play with. Good friends are not easy to come by, and sometimes, when we do meet other women, we are confused because all of the things women are "supposed" to like doing are the antithesis of what we would like to do. We start to think again, "It's easier to be friends with men." But we cannot be friends with men in the same way as married and older women. There are quite simply boundaries that are necessary. If we have brothers to whom we're close, that's always a good thing. And as our sons grow up, we can enjoy a certain level of friendship with them, but ultimately, their best friends must be their spouses.
I then wonder how social networking contributes to how friendships are conducted. I can say without hesitation right now that the women with whom I have the most in common are women I have connected with on the internet. I am blessed to have three women I know in person who are "kindred spirits" but even then one of them I met many years ago through a homeschooling message board. The bulk are, however, women I have connected with through blogs. They know who they are. We have often commented on how this is a unique situation. Sometimes, I wish I could put them all in a room together, so we could visit.
And yet, God has placed us all where are for a reason, and that means looking around at the women in our lives. I do believe female friendships are necessary in the Body of Christ because that is who we are to ecourage and teach and mentor. If you're a woman with a desire to learn and teach, your audience will either be women or children, and I believe that is a proper biblical application of a teaching gift for a woman. How can we navigate these situations? Men don't have dramatic fall outs with their friends. I can't imagine two men seeking counsel with their pastor because of a fractured friendship, but I can see two women doing so.
If any woman out there has stories or experiences they would care to share or write about, I'd love to know, because I know I have a lot to learn.
Reader Comments (8)
Female friendships is a fascinating, frustrating topic/experience. I have a wealth of stories, both personal and from observing others, but I'm not sure of the prudence of writing about them on my blog. :) I'll have to think about that. If you gather a group of internet friends, you can meet at my house. What a conversation that would be!
Rosemary, I would love that!
I don't develop close "girl"friends either. My mother raised kids, cooked, etc., attended church and church circle, but never seemed to have a need for any social life outside of that. I'm very much the same way. Although, like you, I wonder about how some women have such good and close female friends. On the other hand, unlike my mother, I work outside the home and I think I fill my need for "woman talk" with my coworkers--although we don't socialize outside of work. I have sisters, but they don't live close by. And I have a sister-in-law who comes very close to being a sister, but we still don't shop together, etc. I always have a feeling when I do female things outside the home (tupperware-type parties, etc.) that I'm wasting my time and would always rather be at home.
Nancy, you sound a lot you're a homebody, just like I am!
In continuing to think about this topic I realized that the "kindred spirits" friendships I have developed and kept are all with women who have been, even quite severely, tested and refined by God. They have an uncommon love & gratitude for His overwhelming mercy. They love to think the deep thoughts and don't major in the shallow end. These are the women who show themselves trustworthy in my own difficulties and don't run for fear of "contagion" in affliction. Conversations that do not get past the latest trend or TV show do not have this intimacy. I have erred often in my female relationships and will love to read and reflect upon any conversation/experience either you or Rosemary share. To wisdom I desire to run. Blessings.
Kim, This post resonated with me. I'll be 60 this year and I have felt this way for much of my nearly 40 yrs as a Christian. I have thought much about why I've never been too interested in getting involved in women's activities or even just hanging out socially with other women on any kind of a regular basis.
For me I've not really felt the need because I'm happily married to a man who loves Christ. Were I single or married to a non believer I might possibly want to seek out that encouragement and companionship,
Another reason is that I have not always been in a church setting that was conducive to true Biblical fellowship among women though thankfully, I am now. I think this is one reason why many of us have found those deeper friendships with like minded sisters in Christ through blogging. There is a common bond there that is often lacking on the homefront.
Personally, I just don't think it's profitable to spend excessive amounts of time "playing" together, whether it be in person, online, or on the phone. Not that I don't like having fun - I do. But too much free time spent together can lead women into trouble and often into fractured relationships.
"Let your foot rarely be in your neighbor's house, Or he will become weary of you and hate you." Proverbs 25:17
"When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable" Proverbs 10:19
For me, if I can't cultivate my friendships with other women whether it be online or at home with the ultimate purpose of building each other up in the faith then it's a just waste of my time.
Ack! I typed a comment only to have it lost in the vast void of internet nothingness!!!
Actually, I think I thought I was done so I didn't complete the final step of typing in the special code...
Anyway, what I think I said:
Party at Rosemary's?! Count me in! Let's go!!!
Also,
I am one who struggles with friendships with other women. I appreciate Elle's comment and it gives me much to consider both in terms of finding and building relationships with women of an abiding faith unafraid of the deep end of the pool versus whether or not I am that sort of friend myself!
I like this post and I like the comments and I like knowing I am not alone. I am so thankful for like minded women across the globe that the Lord placed in my path through blogs and the internet and for the very real friends they are to me!
I find friendships hard, and I don't always know where to look for them. I appreciate the people I can talk with on-line. Your post struck a cord.