My husband and I have been in the process of updating our wills and life insurance policies. While we went through this procedure, it of course made me think about what would happen if my husband was to die. None of us is assured tomorrow, and last fall, my husband's best friend from high school and our best man at our wedding died at 53 from a heart attack. His widow didn't expect to be parenting three teenagers on her own. Life insurance gives you financial comfort; the practical, day to day things are probably a lot harder.
I watched my husband recently lean an extension ladder against the house to clean leaves from the eaves troughs (translation for other cultures outside of Canada: gutters). I hate ladders. I'm thankful for his willingness and lack of fear of heights to do such a thing.
The sun roof in my car has been leaking. My son, while borrowing my car for a few weeks, was rained upon in a drive-through because of it. After scouring the internet for help, my husband found some sites with direction on how to remedy this. This entails basically taking apart the ceiling of my car. Did you know that sun roofs are expected to leak? Their success lies in proper drainage. Hence, I will never have a sun roof again.
I'm glad I don't have to do that. I'm thankful for little things like that. In addition to that, my husband is my best friend. He is the one I trust the most. He understands me. He puts up with my frailties in a way that no other friend (other than Christ, of course) can do. Sometimes, our relationship reminds me of this song. I do try to build friendships, but every now and then, I wonder, "What would I do if I didn't have him?"
It's a good question to ask. I can sit here today and proclaim that God is good and has provided for me, but if my husband died this afternoon, how easily would such praise come? In the face of shock and grief, how would I be? Would my emotions control me? It's one thing to say, "Oh, yes, I would be fine. God would be there with me," but we don't know exactly do we? It would be a time of testing.
In the past couple of years, I have learned a lot from women who are single. Whether they're widowed, divorced, or just single, I have seen how they handle such things on their own. It often shames me, because I'm prone to complain. How would I like to handle things alone?
This past summer, when my boys got in a car accident and we found ourselves, at midnight, en route to a hospital, only knowing that one son was out of the car, and the other was trapped inside, with chest pain, was one thing with my husband by my side; but what if I had been like our friend who was widowed last year, facing things alone? Yes, we have friends who would help out, but no one supports me in the way my husband does. It would not be easy. It would be a test of my faith. It's always much easier to rejoice when things are going well.
It has caused me to regularly evaluate my heart. How much is my trust based on my circumstances? How much easier is it to say such things with a living husband? And it has caused me to change how I pray. I'm learning to pray regularly for strength to face trials that haven't even come yet, to pray for God to help my unbelief, my fickle heart, and my self-involvement. We don't always see our own sin, but guaranteed, if we ask God, he will show it to us.
And it will be a kindness to us in the long run.