I did not sleep well last night. Between alternating moments of hot and cold (oh the joys of midlife!) and hearing songs in my head, I had a hard time. I don't know why, and I don't know if anyone else has this happen, but when I struggle with insomina, I hear songs. Sometimes, they're good songs; sometimes, they're the drivel I heard on the car radio earlier. Thankfully, last night featured Andrew Peterson's song "Come Back Soon."
I woke up very grumpy. Two cups of coffee didn't do it for me, and as I faced a day of details and an errand later today which I'd rather not do, I was in no mood for my regular bible reading time, so I decided to postpone it and read something else. I can't read my bible and pray when I'm grumpy. After reading a few blogs and the news, I was ready.
I thought about Psalm 139, and the line that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (v.14). I thought to myself that it's a lot easier to feel that way when one is young and productive. After having given birth to children and nursing them, I felt fearfully and wonderfully made. When I could chase toddlers, I felt that way again. I'm going to be 48 years old in a few weeks; sometimes, it's hard to feel fearfully and wonderfully made.
But of course, I am thankful for the good health I have, and I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I may not feel like I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, but Scripture tells me I am, and as a creation of God, I can be confident that He knows me; He knows every detail. He knows that I woke up feeling tired. He knows I am discouraged at having insomnia night after night, and having to randomly remove my cardigan throughout the day because I feel like I'm being incincerated from the inside out (note to younger women: plan ahead for light layers!). He knows that there are days when for no particular reason I just feel like I want to either scream or cry.
I won't complain because these are issues that are minor, and certainly not life threatening. I am not, like many women my age, suffering from breast cancer, heart disease, stroke or mental illness. I can walk, drive my car, and care for my home. My concerns are such minor things.
This is a reminder that our physical selves are not insignificant, and that we battle them daily. Whether the battle is with a serious disease, or something minor like the female struggles of the late forties, it is a reminder of the reality that these fleeting physical bodies can control us so easily. These sin-tainted bodies can control us physically and mentally.
Thanks be to God that He can over rule such things. Thanks be to God that I can read the words that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And thanks be to God that I can be reminded that my feelings will lie to me, but His word is truth.