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Entries in Sanctification (98)

Monday
Jan232017

The god of my feelings

It is hard to escape the influence of the world around us. We don't realize how it affects us until we sit back and look at ourselves with a critical eye. I grew up thinking that my feelings were as important as truth. In all honesty, I don't think I gave much thought to objective truth until I was much older. I felt justified in being easily offended because my feelings were important. We live in a world where feelings are exalted. I feel offended so people must tip-toe around me. We have to keep lists in our minds about what offends this person or that person so we know how best to relate to them. It can be exhausting.

When I was struggling with anxiety two yeas ago, feelings were my worst enemy. Even though I poured over the Psalms daily, filling my head with truth, my feeling of foreboding ruled me. I feared just about everything because I felt like something bad was going to happen. I had no tangible reason to explain that feeling. Its origin was in my own heart. Now, some people would say I just didn't have enough faith to conquer that. Some may question whether or not I was really saved. Believe me, that was one fear that plagued me the most: that I wasn't really God's. I read a lot of William Cowper's poetry at that time, too, and I know he felt the same way during his life.

The temptation with trusting my feelings is that I am in control. If my feelings are the arbiter of truth, then I control the shots. I feel offended by something my husband said or did, so I control the situation by being cool toward him. When I get over my offended feeling, I can control things again by warming back up to him. Perhaps I am the only wife who ever does this; if I am, do I get a prize?

There are times when I feel like my kids have forgotten me. Young adult children have their own lives and they are in the process of moving out in the world. When I don't hear from them from time to time, I feel like they don't give me a second thought, that I am no longer important to them. My husband will remind me that I am trusting my feelings, not truth. That is one of the dangers of sitting with our thoughts for too long; we are so good at allowing them to blow out of proportion. Especially when we experience a lull in activity is when feelings can be our enemy, not our friend. This is why we need to fill our minds with good things and keep our hands busy with service. We take the attention away from ourselves.

Ultimately, giving too much weight to my feelings is an indication of my pride, my self-centredness. And it's something I need to work on daily. I love the section of Romans 7 where Paul talks about his struggle between what he wants to do and what he struggles to do. It is my struggle, too, and I think often to myself "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver set me free from the body of this death?" (v.24). 

Emotions and feelings are part of who we are, but apart from regular exposure to truth, they can run away with us. Some of us have more trouble than others. For those of us who struggle with putting aside our feelings, we need reminders of what is true, and we also need patience. After all, my struggle may not be yours, and you may not understand it, but chances are you struggle with something I don't, and I ought to practice patience with you as well.

Wednesday
Jan112017

Just tellin' it like it is

The day I was married, my father's best friend gave the toast to the bride. The gentleman made a comment that generated everyone's laughter: "Now, we all know that Kim is very direct."

At the time, I didn't know why that was funny. Direct? I was just telling it like it is. I was, at 22 years old, not self-aware. On top of that, I was a young Christian with a lot to learn. Unfortunatelly, it would be a few more years before I would learn that being direct isn't always a good idea.

One of my favourite fictional characters as a teenager was Scarlett O'Hara. She was tough. She was unafraid. She was also narcissistic and vain. Yes, she did everything she could for her family, but she was also self-involved, and uncontrolled in her speech. I suppose I liked her courage. I'm afraid I imitated Scarlett more often than not. It didn't always work well.

We ought not to feel afraid about speaking truth, but there are definitely moments when telling it like it is requires a better command of the English language than we may have at 22 years of age. There is also a time and a place for telling it like it is, but often, less is more. 

I still admire those who speak truth without fear. But as I get older, when I look at who I am and how I relate to people, I would rather be more understated. I love the understated. I want to be the one who is gentle, kind, longsuffering, and merciful. I know women in real life who are like this. I would rather be like them than the one who doesn't know when to be quiet. When I think of the times in my life when I have had struggles and trials, it was those women who ministered to me in the best possible way. When I was struggling with anxiety, there were indeed women who took the opportunity to tell it like it is, and it did not help. What did help was knowing that the people who loved me were willing to struggle along with me with patience. Perhaps they wished they could say more, but they knew the right time to do so.

I'm still working at being more self-aware, and it is my tendency to want to just tell it like it is. But for all my love of telling the truth, I want a softer side to emerge. I know that these days, a woman desiring a softer side is not popular; by uttering that sentiment, I'm undoing all the progress that feminism has achieved over the years. Chalk it up to age, but more and more, I'm drawn to the understated, the subtle, as opposed to the brash, come-at-them-blazing-with-both-guns approach. It takes a lot more work for me to be understated and soft. But sometimes, it's a lot more rewarding doing that which is difficult than that which is easy.

On my wedding day, my father's friend was himself being subtle and understated. He could have said that everyone who knew me knew I had the penchant to talk too much and be too critical, but being an older, more mature man, he was kind. And I appreciate that now.

Monday
Jan022017

Women, know your limits!

That is the title of a very funny video. You should watch it. That's not exactly what this post is about, though.

One of the doctrines we discussed in my theology class last semester was the doctrine of humanity. We are not God. We are not immanent nor are we transcendent. We are neither all-powerful nor self-sustaining. That is who we are by design.

In the context of the doctrine of humanity, our textbook talked about the reality of our limitations. Erickson says:

Limitation is not inherently bad. There is a tendency to bemaon the fact of human finiteness. Some, indeed, maintain that this is the cause of human sin. If we were not limited, we would always know what is right and would do it. Were humans not encumbered by finiteness, they could do better. But the Bible indicates that having made the human with the limitations that go with creaturehood, God looked at the creation and pronounced it "very good" (Gen. 1:31). Finiteness may well lead to sin if we fail to accept our limitation and live accordingly.

Later, Erickson adds: "Proper adjustment in life can be achieved only on the basis of acceptance of one's own finiteness." 

I found that principle very thought-provoking. The implications of this are significant. Accepting our own finiteness means we need not feel the pressure to be perfect. We don't need to feel the pressure to always be right. We women talk a lot about not needing to be perfect. Will we ever understand that fully without a complete understanding of our finiteness?

Tis the season for resolution making. Goals are good things, but as we make them, we do need to recognize our limitations. One of my closest and oldest friends lost her son in November. This woman is one of the most godly women I know; truly a woman saturated in Scripture; truly a woman who consciously participates in her own sanctification, always desiring to grow in the Lord. She did not plan to grow in the ways which lie ahead, and which are a direct result of this loss. I may want to become better organized in 2017, but God may have other plans for me. I may want to read X number of books in 2017, but God, being unlimited in his knowledge, may know that something else is far better for me. Our plans are not always God's plans.

I wonder if some of the frustration we often feel at our circumstances is because we resist the limitations which are part of our own nature. It is not part of our current culture to suggest that one is limited. We can "do anything." Humans can do many things, but they are not God. Scripture reminds us: 

Great is our Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is infinite (Ps. 147:5).
Great is the Lord, and highly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable (Ps. 145:3).

God is infinite and unsearchable, but we are not. And that is okay.

I am not really a resolution-maker. The goals I have are fairly general. What I do want to focus on, though, is the implications of my finiteness. It seems to me that being able to rest in God is intimately connected to accepting that reality. It doesn't mean I must be passive, but it does mean I need to know my limits.

Thursday
Dec222016

Discipline for the control freak

I confess to struggling with a desire to control. It rears its ugly head in my frustration when things don't go as planned, with the reluctance to change, and the aversion to the unknown. It has never been more apparent in the two months since I broke my ankle, and especially in the three weeks since I had my cast removed. 

Of course, I thought my life would be getting back to normal once the cumbersome thing was removed and I could get rid of my crutches. Well, I needed said crutches for a few days, anyway, as I gingerly applied weight to my newly hatched ankle. It has been a very slow process. The swelling is a huge problem, and my impatience is not helping. The physiotherapist said as much: "You're doing too much."

Yesterday, as much as one can with a puppy in the house, I spent the majority of the day with my foot elevated. I did manage to make some Christmas goodies that were quick and enabled me to sit during the baking process, but at the end of that, my ankle had swelled up. Thankfully, puppy took a nice long nap and I returned to the recliner, with my foot propped on a big wedge pillow. One step forward, and two steps back. 

Last week, en route to my final exam, my son and I were stoppped in traffic for 45 minutes due to an accident. I felt keenly aware of my frustration when things are out of control, i.e., when I can't control things. I had left for my exam with plenty of extra time, and still I was an hour late. I have done basically nothing this week but sit, yet my ankle is still almost twice the width of my good one. I am improving, and the tedious work of getting flexibility and strength is evident according to my physiotherapist. But I can't make it happen any quicker. Doing more work doesn't necessarily mean more mobility. In fact, at first, it means more pain. We think if we do enough exercise, eat the right food, and treat our bodies like the temples they are, we will be able to control them. Bodies appear to have a mind of their own.

I can't say I'm enjoying this season of injury and recovery. I do indeed wonder how I'm going to manage with a houseful of people this weekend. I can't control it, though. Christmas will come whether or not I can bake or be a hostess. I'm going to have to let things be what they are, and as hard as it is, sometimes, it's a good reminder that God is the only one in control. Many others have learned this. Unfortunately, I'm still in the process. 

And, ultimately, things could be so much worse. 

Tuesday
Nov222016

If there is a mercy in this . . .

. . . and there is always mercy, of course.

I have been on crutches for four weeks now, and I can't say it's one of the more enjoyable experiences I've had. I have pretty bad tendonitis in my forearms, and on Thursday, in order to avoid an exuberant puppy, I fell off a chair, which didn't help my sore forearms any. I couldn't help but think that God is merciful in that this didn't happen when I had small children. I was chatting with my mother last week, and I mentioned to her that in all likelihood, somewhere out there, a young mother has a broken ankle. I may have to keep a puppy under control while on crutches, but at least it's not a child to care for. That would be a whole 'nother situation.

When I began my seminary classes in combination with a new puppy, I knew it would be work. Puppies are always work. But dogs are a joy, and the work is worth it. Puppies calm down eventually. That said, I have had to confine work to times when he is asleep. When the weather was warm, I did a lot of work outside on the deck, and I was thankful for that. Now that I'm unable to do anything else but sit, I still can't do a lot of work when puppy is awake. A quiet puppy can mean trouble, and I've had to make feeble attempts to retrieve things that are better kept out of his mouth; like socks, kleenexes, and this morning, that little package of raccoon scat he felt he needed to bring in the house. Thankfully, my husband was here for that one.

Still, I'm plodding along, thankfully. I'm doing well, and I'm enjoying the work. But it reminds me again of how difficult this would have been with small children. I can put my puppy in a crate for an hour if I need to. One cannot do that with children. Children are infinitely more work than dogs. I could not have managed seminary and children. And I am thankful I was not tempted to try.

Perhaps it is the generation I am from, but I grew up accepting limitations (this is a topic I'm going to re-visit on Friday at Out of the Ordinary for anyone who wants to avoid Black Friday advertising aggression). I grew up understanding that one choice often meant leaving another behind. I did not grow up being told "You can do whatever you want." Today, children are told that. But I don't know as if I believe that. I dreamt of being a professional tennis player; the fact is I was limited in ability and in financial resources available to receive training.

When I had small children, I knew that making a choice to do something like school meant giving up something else. I did my undergraduate degree with small children, but I could only manage one course per semester, and during semesters when I had a baby, I didn't take anything at all. I did all of my work after they went to bed. It meant I didn't watch a lot of television. I've only ever seen two episodes of Seinfeld, and one I watched while I was in labour, to give myself something to do while I waited for the contractions to progress. My water broke in the middle of it, so that was that. In the end, I'm so thankful that things proceeded the way they did. I was here when my children needed me most. Perhaps some people are embarrassed by being "just a mom." At times, I did feel that stigma. And I shouldn't have. It was a gift to be here with them. And now, I'm getting to do something I wanted to do. All in God's timing.

I have no idea why I had to have a broken ankle at this time (other than the fact that I foolishly ran through the house), but along with time for study and time to learn new physical maneuvers (I am getting expert at lowering myself to the ground to sit with the puppy; my good leg is getting very strong), I also have time to think about God's mercy and about how he works things out for our good.